I remember being a teenager and having those conversations with friends, trying to guess which one out of us would be the first to get married or have kids. We’d give our prediction, often to the surprise and confusion of whoever chosen, before stating our reasons for the choice—There were reasons, after all. It’s funny how looking back as a twenty-seven year old, the predictions we made were, for the most part, accurate. One of my closest friends has been married for more than a year now, another’s been engaged for two, and a third is getting married later this year. Thinking about them and how far we’ve come from being those angsty, pimply-faced boys, I can’t help but get a little sentimental, think about how glad I am to have them in my life and also how sad it sometimes makes me to imagine that in twenty years time—who knows—maybe our relationship will be reduced to nothing more than a memory. People go their own way, paths overlap before they continue in another direction. Getting married means now you’ve got someone else in your life to consider, so friendships can get put in the background. This is okay. It’s how things go. But that doesn’t change the fact that when my friends get married, I start thinking about these things.
I’ve got nothing against marriage. While I’ve had conversations with people my age who believe marriage to be nothing more than a flimsy piece of paper, I still think it holds weight. Why do you need to get married to prove you’re in love? You can just be in love, they might say. I don’t disagree with that logic, but my response to that is always, Why not? Why not just get married? It’s not like it’s taking anything away from your love. It’s not like you have to throw a massive wedding. You can just get married and there you go, you’re in love and you’re married. Perhaps it’s naive to think like that, of course there’s so much more to take into account like prenups, property rights, assets and liabilities, all that jargon I’ve got little knowledge about. That’s when marriage begins to look more like the contract some believe it is. Still. Why not?
Having said all that, knowing that some of my oldest and closest friends are married, engaged, about to be married, makes for a pretty strange reality to live in. Again, I want to get married someday, but to do so in my twenties? Now that’s bizarre. I’ve spoken about this with friends who aren’t married and we always come to the same conclusion: we want to get married but not anytime soon. We’re sure a part of it’s rooted in selfishness and the idea that by getting married, we won’t be able to truly live for ourselves. I know people counter that by saying it’s not like marriage takes away your freedom, but let’s face it, you do have more responsibilities. Hell, it was even something of a struggle when I was in a relationship with my ex. We didn’t have many squabbles but one thing she occasionally brought up was the fact that I always seemed unavailable, that she wanted to spend more time together. I’m not about to open up that can of worms but I will admit, it was difficult to juggle the various aspects of my life. Now that I’ve got District 0, I worry I’ll have an even harder time. Of course, the truth is that I could’ve done better. In hindsight, you can always do better. However, the fact remains: if I had a hard time balancing different parts of my life while in a relationship, it’d be that much trickier in a marriage.
Besides selfishness, I’m also just flat-out not ready for marriage. Back in my grandparents’ days an idea like that might be cause for alarm. For better or worse, nowadays that’s not the case. My mindset probably has a lot to do with my parents. They didn’t get married until my dad was thirty-nine and my mum thirty. Prior to that, they dated, worked, travelled around—all in all, enjoyed themselves. DINKs, is what they told me and my siblings they were called: double income, no kids. There’s little doubt then that knowing my parents were DINKs influenced my own lack of urgency regarding marriage. They took their time, why not me? There’s so much I want to do, see, figure out, and of course it’s not like that’s impossible with a spouse, but some days I wake up not knowing what the hell’s going on, and imagining waking up on those days with my wife snoring next to me would be more frightening than provide any confidence. And I know, I know there’s something to moving forward in this mad life with someone by your side, someone you can lean on and confide in and someone who’s going to stand by you through it all—no matter how thick or thin. I get that but personally I know I’d feel so much pressure to hunker down, get a steady job and work, work, work if I was married and had someone besides myself to think about. Right now’s my chance to make all the mistakes I can so that in the future when I hopefully do end up with someone I can spend my life with, I’ll have a bit more figured out.
No matter what I believe, friends getting married—at twenty seven or fifty seven—is a great thing. I still haven’t been to any of their weddings, owing to the fact that weddings are expensive so my one buddy who got married in Japan decided to opt for the day-trip to the city hall route instead. The first friend’s wedding I’ll attend will be at the end of this year in Boston, where as the best man I’m expected to make a speech. When he told me I’d be best man I was honoured, though the part about the speech sent my brain into overdrive as I’ve got little clue about what to say. It’s okay though, I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’ll just talk about how when we were younger we used to wonder which one out of us would be the first to get married. And hey, look at him now. We were right.
